Global Unwinding: Wind Turbines Depleting Earth's Natural Source of Wind -April 22, 2007

Do you enjoy a light breeze on your face during a hot day? Too bad! The wind is slowing down to a halt. According to a study done by Sherry's Healthy Institute of Temperature in the Environment (SHITI), we are on a path that leads to windlessness. SHITI has determined that wind turbines (which create energy) are depleting the Earth's wind supplies so quickly that if you plan to go sailing in the year 2120, you're shit out of luck.

"The loss of wind is a serious issue that will destroy lives in following generations. Energy is effectively being destroyed in order to create small amounts of power to flush our toilets. Since the body has no way of naturally cooling itself, our body temperatures will continue to rise until our race is extinct." -Dr. Sherry, Ph.D. in Climatology and Meteorology and a professor at the University of UT Dallas in Texas.
According to scientists, the only way to combat this loss of wind is to turn our fans on outside. You can purchase industrial sized fans at stores such as Costco and SAM's. Scientists encourage fan users to have a good power supply. To ensure you have power for your fan when electricity goes out, you should place a wind turbine in your front yard.
Wind is also plays a crucial role in the process of birth. Over a period of 9 months, wind pushes against a woman's uterus, slowly inducing labor.
Finally, the loss of wind can contribute to global warming. "Anybody who's ever been to a gospel church (and seen the women fanning themselves) knows that wind lowers temperature, no matter what temperature the wind is. This is because friction creates 'cold' when it comes into contact with your skin.
It's important to do your part in combating wind depletion. If we don't act now, we could be looking at a hot, sweaty, kite-less world with no ocean waves within the next 110 years.

Real Live Pregnant Woman Spotted in Grocery Store

WHIPPORWILL, TX- When we go shopping in our little town of 300 people, we usually see empty ‘expecting moms only’ parking spaces at MegaLowMart… this isn’t what happened on this Tuesday, August 24, 2010.
When Suzy Anne pulled into the parking lot and saw the car in the ‘preggo space,’ she knew she and her family were in for a rare treat. “Oh my word! There is probably an actual pregnant person inside that store right now.” Suzy explained. “I haven’t seen one in years.”
When our news staff found the pregnant lady, Laura Lubbock, she was being followed by a crowd of people carrying baby food and supplies. “Your baby needs to eat.” They told her. One person even offered her an oxygen tank for her unborn baby. “It must be exhausting for your baby to hold its breath for nine months.”
The store staff even offered to do her shopping for her. When the store manager offered to reach up and put soup in her basket for her, she said, “No thanks. I’m okay.” It was inspiring. Even with her sickness, she’s a real trooper.
Not all employees were excited by her visit, though. One employee, Nick, blurted out, “You never know when these people are going to spawn a baby. If her water breaks, I’m not cleaning it up.”
The store manager explained that the last time there was this much excitement was when the wheelchair man moved into town. “We offered him unparalleled service. We surprised him by sneaking up behind him and commandeering his wheelchair to help him shop. He shouted the whole time, but he probably had Tourettes. Despite all our efforts we made for him, we haven’t seen him since.”
It is not clear when the pregnant lady will make her next appearance, but the staff and townspeople will be waiting.